I'm Retired! Now what?

July 4, 2026

Happy 4^th of July!  Even better, happy 250^th, 4^th of July!  This monumental 4^th of July shows up on a Saturday this year, but it really doesn’t matter though because for most people it’s a paid holiday and all the kids are out of school for the summer anyway.  Isn’t it great how America’s independence day is celebrated in the summer?  It’s like the country’s founding fathers planned it out that way or something.  I can just see those guys sitting around a table adjusting their whigs while thinking, “Hmmm, if we do this in December it will screw with everyone’s Christmas holiday.  Then again, if we put it in February that will interfere with George’s birthday, and that will probably just piss the general off.  We sure don’t need that headache.  I know, let’s stick it in one of the hottest months of the year.”  Okay, there was probably no discussion like that going on, but Independence Day is one of those holidays that knows no specific religion or ethic background.  It’s just a great day!  And this one is extra special.

I’m actually old enough to remember the Bicentennial July 4^th of 1976, and as I recall, it was a pretty freaking big deal back when I was twelve years old.  In fact, I thought it was such a big deal that at the stroke of midnight I felt inclined to set off a firecracker, signifying to everyone in my household that the Bicentennial 4^th of July celebration had begun!  Instead of setting off a historical, patriotic vibe for my family, all I did was wake up my dad who was still milking cows back in those days.  If I remember correctly, my mom got a bit ticked off and my brother really lost his stuff over my impromptu firework celebration.  I never really understood why they got so bent out of shape though.  They were both wide awake, hanging out in the kitchen.

Although I might have soured the mood for my family a bit, everyone else was really feeling patriotic back in 1976.  During my sixth-grade year, for some strange reason the normal history class for that grade focused on South America.  However, two of the three sixth grade teachers in my school decided to say, “Tradition be darned!” and focused their history classes on American history to commemorate the Bicentennial.  Of course, there was my teacher who decided to stick with tradition, which means that I got to celebrate America’s 200 years of independence by taking in the history and culture of Paraguay, Bolivia, Argentia, and all those other countries down south. 

The Bicentennial 4^th of July celebration took place during the summer between my sixth and seventh grade school year, and I was pretty excited about it.  My mom even dished out an extra buck or two to enrich us with a half-gallon of red, white, and blue ice cream with stars!  Okay, the stars where hard, little nasty things that I probably spit out, but it was the thought that counted.  To be honest, I was probably extra excited because the girls in my grade were beginning to blossom into young women.  Well, in my 12-year-old mind they were anyway.  However, looking back with my 62-year-old mind they were all mere children.

 In addition to trying to keep a handle on my raging tween hormones in 1976, we were all rocking out to the Starland Vocal Band’s huge hit, Afternoon Delight!  Indeed, what better way to celebrate the Bicentennial 4^th of July than singing along with the words, “Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight!”  After a quick review of the song’s lyrics though, I’m guessing that was probably not a song that a 12-year-old should have been singing along with, raging tween hormones or not. 

Although the song Afternoon Delight might have covered a questionable theme, it did have a catchy tune that everyone loved to sing along with that summer regardless of our age.  Looking back though, I should have ditched the one hit wonder because there were some great albums that came out that year.  Two of the great live albums of the 70’s, Frampton Comes Alive! and Bob Seger’s Live Bullet were released in early 1976.  Then there was Boston’s debut album Boston and the great Kansas album, Leftoverture.  And let’s not forget the Eagle’s Hotel California.  There was plenty of great music back in 1976 without having to sing, “Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight.  Gonna grab some afternoon delight!”

Back in my small hometown of Kingfisher, Oklahoma the Bicentennial celebration started off with the unveiling of a statue that one of the local farmers had posed for.  I’m guessing such was to enrich the town’s agricultural vibe.  Although the statue still stands, my biggest memory of that morning was the fact that some town official felt inclined to deliver a speech that was so long winded that some folks made the claim that the local windbag had been preparing it since the original independence day.  Behind the statue was a bell (which still remains as well) and for a very annoying and tedious minute the bell was rung by the local Boy Scouts.  Apparently, the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia was also being rung for a minute or so at the very same time.  I’m guessing bells were letting freedom ring and annoying the heck out of everyone from coast to coast for that minute.  Why I felt that I had to be there for that annoying and boring ceremony still baffles my mind to this day.

After that annoying and boring bell ringing, everyone was treated to a quick parade and then hung out in the city park for the day.  The local high school band had put together what was called the “Bicentennial Band” which was strictly held to a volunteer status regarding the local band kids.  At that time I had only been in band a couple of years and didn’t feel the need to express my patriotism by joining the summer band.  I was pretty sure America would be just fine without my subpar trombone skills.  My brother however, jumped at the opportunity.  Had there been a Bicentennial Choir or even a theater group he would have probably joined that as well.

I was more interested in living out the patriotic vibe by entering my new puppy in the local dog show.  Okay, this was a big mistake.  Although I thought the pooch was adorable, at twelve years old I didn’t realize that dogs had to be trained to walk on a leash.  We lived out in the country and had always let our dogs run wild, and I just assumed if you put a leash on a dog they just took to it naturally.  I quickly found out that this was not true.  Therefore my presentation during the dog show consisted of me dragging this poor pooch around on a leash while it howled out in protest.  Let’s just say that me and my pup didn’t get “best in show.” 

Of course, there were other activities for the kids that didn’t require a humiliating act of animal brutality.  There was the popular and highly overrated game of finding money in a haystack.  Such was an activity that I wisely refused to participate.  I lived on a farm and knew the perils of crawling around in hay.  Besides, I was still suffering from the ill-fated dog show.   I didn’t need the horrific, itching feeling of being covered in hay for the rest of the day to bring down my patriotic vibe.

Like all good small towns in America we had the famed cow chip throwing contest!  I have to wonder if any self-respecting community still carries out such a degrading a disgusting activity in these modern and hygienical times, but back in 1976 it was quite the spectator sport in my hometown.  Had I tried, I might have actually excelled in the event.  Over the years of wandering around in the family pasture bringing in the milk cows I had developed quite a skill in the act of cow chip tossing.  There were many times in my cow driving youth when I felt the need to motivate a stubborn Holstein with a good whack from a dried cow chip.  Most of these chips were round and flat, and with the right flick of the wrist I could toss one a good twenty to thirty feet like a frisbee with pretty decent accuracy.

Regardless who tossed the dried dung the furthest or who got the best in show, the 4^th of July in my hometown would always end with everyone gathering at the park’s baseball field for a little patriotic fireworks display!  There we would either sit in stands or in the infield while dishing out enough “oohs and ahhs” to last us until next year.  That’s the way I celebrated the 200^th birthday of the United States way back in 1976!  So how am I going to celebrate the country’s 250^th birthday?  I’m going to a soccer game with my niece and her son.  Commemorating the United States’ independence by watching a sport that was first organized in Great Britain.  Is that even ethical?